As I become an adult, I tend to have many expectations of the world and of myself. It’s exciting for everyone when we turn 18 (or 21 or whatever) and we’re legally allowed to partayy. With booze, that is. I for one thought (being fairly introverted), once I’m older I’ll change. That I’d be more easy-going and chummy with others with no strings and no baggage. Essentially, that I would lose any insecurity I had and just go with the flow and have some fun. This was the impression I had when I first went abroad alone. Went to Germany, had some beers, went to bars, been there done that. But I came away disappointed, as I had made the following observations:
- You don’t stop being an introvert. Despite the veil of confidence and security I masked my face with, there was a perennial realisation of that veil being only a veil. I couldn’t restrain myself from overthinking everything I said to everyone. I couldn’t help but conjure up pointless opinions others might have had about me, despite this being irrelevant, considering seeing the same people again is far-fetched, let alone them remembering me.
- People are always judgy. Even the most down-to-earth, open-minded person will always pass judgement and have opinions on others. This is quite problematic for people like me, because, good or bad it may be, I seem to have a keen sense of what people are feeling. I may be wrong at times (especially if it involves non-personal conversations, aka texting), but it is mostly true that no matter how well-mannered you think you may be, a lot of times, you end up being silly in one way or another. Especially if you have on said veil.
- I don’t see the point of alcohol. Yes, some types of it taste quite good and get really get you high, but the stronger ones people generally take at parties- well if you’re going to trade the memory of the fun you had for an entire morning of migraines and vomit, it is pretty pointless. Maybe because I’ve never been high before, but I don’t know why I would need alcohol to have fun. Which makes the transition into the next point quite nicely.
- My idea of a rave is sitting at home, singing along to music and making funny noises as I drive a nice car on Forza Horizon 4, gawking at the gorgeous scenery. You could argue that a rave minus the people minus the alcohol minus the DJ minus the sweat isn’t a rave anymore, but I think I feel quite intoxicated by car noises and digital environments. Plus, the music they have on these games- well it’s bangin. So that’s plus music plus noise and plus intoxication. So a rave is what I (think) have. And there are more pluses. I don’t have to dress up, I can eat, I have a chair, and if I’m tired at any point I can simply go to bed. Imagine trying to leave an actual rave.
I thus had to come to the bitter conclusion that I’m not built for the life I imagined. But the silver lining is something I understood only by experience. I understood that while parties make me feel faint, I enjoy my own company enough that I can have my own rave- an introvert’s rave.